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It’s cool that a college in China is offering classes in Dota, and it would be neat to see the same sort of thing happen stateside. Still, we can’t help but be a little skeptical… what would classes in free-to-play gaming really be like?

League of Legends: How To Lose Friends And Piss Off People

Got too much Honor? Teammates not cursing at you enough? We’ll show you how to be a real League of Legends player, letting you know the right time to hurl obscenities at your noob teammates, techniques for feeding the opposition, when to leave your lane for no reason, and the best times to AFK or outright ragequit. We’ll get you that 30-day ban you know you deserve, or we’ll give you your money back!

Earliest Access: Play What You Want, When You Want

Anxious to play H1Z1? Can’t get into the Heroes of the Storm Beta? Still wondering if you’ll ever get the chance to play Phantasy Star Online 2? We’ll teach you how to smash through those silly barriers that game companies put up to stop people from playing their games the instant they’re announced and get into that hot upcoming game right now! Don’t take “Our game isn’t ready for the public yet” or “Combat doesn’t feel right” or “We don’t allow visitors to our office, hey what are you doing, get away from that computer” for an excuse. With our system, you’ll be playing those hot new games right now – even if it requires a little breaking and entering!

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Hearthstone: RNGesus, Take The Wheel

Did your opponent’s Ragnaros kill you, even when you had six minions on the board? Did your Animal Companion come up with another useless Leokk when you wanted Misha or Huffer? What if we told you that random rolls in Hearthstone weren’t so random after all? That’s right! We’ll teach you all the proper techniques, like standing on your head when playing a Mad Bomber or stuffing a four-leaf clover into your underwear before summoning Gelbin Mekkatorque. Before long, your Soulfires will always discard useless cards and your Arcane Missiles will always strike true!

Keeping That Sub Fee: A PR Primer

If you’re working on a new game and are convinced you just can’t get by without a subscription fee, let us help you create all the misdirections and half-lies you’ll need to convince your prospective player base of the rightness of your decision! Soon, you’ll master phrases like “We need a subscription to produce regular content,” “We’d have no idea at all how much money we were making without a subscription,” and “The community is always better in subscription games” like a pro. Also, be sure to check out our related class, “How To Switch From Subscription To Free-To-Play Without Sounding Like A Complete Hypocrite.”

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PlanetSide 2: Flash Driving School

PlanetSide 2’s Flashes are notoriously hard to control, overturning and slowly burning to a cinder at the slightest bump. Our AAA-certified (that’s Auraxis Awesome Automotive) driving instructors will coach you on how best to avoid hazards like microscopic pebbles and strong gusts of wind that will ensure you get to your destination in one piece – just so you can get sniped by an infiltrator and go back to the warpgate to practice your driving even more!

Gold-Selling Like A Pro: Fast And Safe

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the author

Jason Winter is a veteran gaming journalist, he brings a wide range of experience to MMOBomb, including two years with Beckett Media where he served as the editor of the leading gaming magazine Massive Online Gamer. He has also written professionally for several gaming websites.

5 Readers Commented

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  1. Anonymous on November 14, 2014

    Wow, that’s a pretty unnecessary article. Congratulations on that.

  2. Bic Boi on November 13, 2014

    Classes in DoTa : If someone is seriously taking these, you know to immediately discount their worth as a human being.

  3. mikesontheda on November 11, 2014

    only thing is that the planetside 2 thing is kinda outdated as since last few patches. Its is literally almost impossible to get a flash upside down on the ground and then blow up. I literally tried for 20 minutes doing sick flips to no avail.

  4. Zhao Yun on November 11, 2014

    well now they call steal all those ides from you Jason and give u no credit so the joke is on you MUHAHAHAHA

    On a serious note this is pretty hilarious

  5. DiceColdfire / Kyngcold on November 11, 2014

    Thank you this made me LMAO.

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